Heroic Parenting Decisions

Parenting.  A blog about parenting.  It is something I feel strongly about.  Parenting that is…not necessarily blogging…although I am getting into blogging these days.  So far I’m just sharing opinions, not feelings.  When I get really good…I’ll start sharing all my feelings.  Then you’ll be in for a treat! (BAHAHAHA!)

What comes to mind when talking about parenting are some of the things learned while working at a non-profit.  For 9 years I counseled women in unplanned pregnancies.  When a woman finds herself in an unplanned pregnancy, there are only two choices – carry the pregnancy to term or end the pregnancy.

Should a woman choose to carry the pregnancy to term, she now has two additional choices – place the child for adoption or raise the child.  Let me just say…not every woman is ready to be (or capable of being) a good parent.  But every woman that ends up pregnant and chooses to carry to term has to make at least one parenting decision.

Do you realize what a heroic parenting decision adoption is?  HEROIC!  A child gets a loving home, a couple gets a beautiful baby to love and cherish. The first parenting decision made by a mom can be such a heroic one.

I would tend to believe that most of us think adoption is a good thing.  Yes we've all heard horror stories.  But how many wonderful stories have we all heard too?  How many childless adults got to be parents because a woman somewhere thought outside of herself and her needs - put a child’s need for a stable environment above herself and chose to place her child for adoption? How many children were raised in a great home because of adoption?  My good friend was.  She has an adopted brother and two wonderful parents because her biological mom realized she was not ready to be a mom and placed her baby girl for adoption.

But let’s think for a moment about how we TALK about adoption.  What do you think is the most often heard statement about adoption?  I hear it in your head even now…”I could never ‘give’ my child up for adoption.”  “I just don’t know how she could do that.”  “How could anyone ‘give’ their child up for adoption?”

First of all children are not possessions to be given…they are people to be cherished.  Secondly, what is being given is a chance at a complete home, a stable home, a loving home, a home where parents are WAITING for a child as opposed to (possibly) a broken home, a home of unemployment, drugs or abuse.

Let me say it again.  Adoption is a HEROIC parenting decision. 

Adoption is not easy for birth mothers.  Don’t think I don’t know that.  I've grieved beside women who have placed their children for adoption, and celebrated with the same mothers as they see the fruition of their selflessness.  And I've seen how much harder we as society have made choosing adoption for them by the words we speak.

If we truly think adoption is a positive action (and I think we do) we need to start using words that speak positively to adoption, words that edify a woman who is considering adoption (instead of vilifying her).  Words like “Adoption is such a selfless decision.” “I could only hope to be as strong as her, should I ever need to consider adoption.” 

You may or may not know that many women (particularly teenagers) will choose abortion over adoption because if she chooses abortion, many may never know she was pregnant, and any

shame that may be attached to that pregnancy is avoided.  If she chooses adoption everyone will know she was pregnant, and most will have comments. 

Having said all that, I know that some mothers choose single parenting and do a GREAT job.  But let’s just not make it harder for those who NEED to choose adoption, to feel free, accepted and heroic to do so.

Be careful with your words…you never know who you may be influencing, and what her first parenting decision will be.

Debora

P.S.  Do you have a great adoption story?  Share with us in comments.

YOU! Parent Your Children

Too many people have chosen to bear children without giving enough thought to parenting.  Yes the pregnancy is so exciting, and then the birth can be fun and exhilarating (not for me necessarily, I’m a wimp.  It hurt like a big one!) but after that comes parenting…for at least the next 18 years.

 Have you thought about it?  Have you decided upon disciplinary tactics?  Have you talked to your spouse about it?  Is yelling acceptable?  How about hitting or spanking?  Time out?  What about goals for your child?  What if he/she is artistically inclined but you think only practical skills are necessary?  Where will they go to school?  How much will you help with homework?  What about values?  What will you teach them about skin color and sex? How will you teach them financial responsibility? Laundry? Kindness? Humility?  The list goes on and on.

These are all thoughts that need to be had and conversations that need to occur but too many of us don’t get past the cute baby part before making decisions about having children. Then the cute little being is here and we fall in love.  And he/she grows, and we’re exhausted, and it’s much easier to just give in than stick to our guns about whatever goal/rules we've decided are important.

Society has sold us some big lies.  “Children are resilient,”  “You CAN have it all,” that caregivers other than parents are just as effective.

None of them are true.

Children are very fragile.  You remember, you were a child once…remember that hurtful thing your mother said when she was having a crappy day?  You are really not stupid (or ugly or fat or clumsy etc.), and she never really thought you were, she was just tired. Because society told her she could have it all, a great figure (she starved herself), a great job (she worked long hours), a beautiful home (she slaved to keep it clean) and cherubic children….you haven’t forgotten that comment or attitude though have you?  You were fragile.

Nobody on the face of the earth loves your children the way that you do.  Nobody.  I’m quite sure there are some great caregivers out there – but why did you have children if you weren't planning on parenting them yourself?

 I know right now I just offended a bunch of you.  I’m sorry.  I apologize.  Many parents CANNOT financially afford to stay at home with their children though they would dearly love to.  I understand.  But there are some out there that have chosen to work for better THINGS; to live in a better neighborhood, to drive a newer car, to have a cell phone.  Yes, a cell phone.  And their children are getting left over parenting;  left over time, energy and thoughts. 

 

Our children are the most important people in our lives.  They deserve our time and attention.  They are NOT an afterthought to a marriage, a day, or even an event.  Don’t expend all your energy and patience on your job, other relationships (other than your spouse of course), hobbies or chores.  Step up and parent.

Debora